(I003) I feel stuck.
May 28, 2024
Written by Anette Lan
“I feel stuck enlightened.”
In the realm of high achievers, success often intertwines with an unyielding pursuit of excellence. Yet, amidst the accolades and triumphs, a subtle sense of stagnation can pervade—a feeling that something essential remains elusive despite outward success. If you resonate with this experience of navigating the complexities of high performance while feeling trapped or stuck, know that you're not alone. Through my dedication to goal setting, emotional intelligence, and mindfulness, I've come to understand the intricate interplay between ambition and procrastination all too well. Join me on a journey of exploration as we delve into the convergence of high performance, emotional intelligence, and Zen philosophy. Together, let's uncover the keys to unlocking new levels of fulfillment, purpose, and success in both career and life.
Procrastination was once my greatest weakness. During university, I constantly faced the nagging thought of needing to study but chose to do anything else instead. I became adept at leaving tasks until the last minute, resulting in a frantic two-day cram session filled with fear, anxiety, and a desire to avoid discomfort. I continued the pattern despite knowing these emotions would arise from my procrastination.
My first year away from home, on my own in a new environment, was a huge adjustment. Like many freshmen, this year was filled with uncertainty; the biggest fear was the unknown. Balancing academics, social life, and newfound independence was overwhelming. I made the varsity sports team, although I was the last pick. While I was proud of myself for making the team, it had an extremely toxic culture, and being the last pick meant I was seen as the bottom of the barrel. My grades suffered, my mental health suffered, and I went from being Female Athlete of the Year and a scholarship winner to quitting the first team ever and almost failing my first class.
I often found myself succumbing to procrastination, which only amplified my stress and anxiety. However, through this struggle, I hit a low point where I had to decide whether to quit and give up or accept failure as a learning opportunity and rise above it.
This moment of awareness and the conscious decision to make a mindset change marked the beginning of my journey toward emotional mastery. During these moments of intense pressure, I realized the importance of managing my emotions and transforming procrastination into proactive, empowered action. This journey of self-discovery taught me valuable lessons about resilience and the significance of emotional intelligence in overcoming obstacles and achieving personal growth.
Despite my perceived failures, I was fortunate to have strong influences who supported my growth and learning. With the support of my parents, I decided to take a trip to Japan after my first year of university to teach English for four months. This trip served as a reset button for me, and it was during this summer that my true love for Japanese culture and respect for my mother's cultural background blossomed. I lived with my aunt and visited family I had never met. I travelled alone to distant parts of the country, finding solace in long mountain hikes.
The Freshman 15 was very real for me. After quitting the varsity team, I partied and procrastinated a lot due to my perceived failures, probably doubling that weight gain. I hit an all-time low. The trip to Japan was my opportunity to turn it all around. I started exercising, embraced the delicious and wholesome Japanese diet, and loved Japanese culture. In four months, I dropped all the weight through conscious behaviour and habit changes. I read numerous books and started journaling again. Determined to begin my second year with higher intentions, I returned to another passion: competitive swimming. Upon returning from Japan, I embarked on my second year with new ambition and valuable lessons learned from the first year, including self-awareness, the importance of a positive and supportive environment, and the power of decision, choice, and action.
During my transformative summer in Japan, I was profoundly influenced by the cultural values that my ancestors and Japanese family embodied. Immersed in a society that profoundly respects natural beauty and the impermanence of life, I learned to look inward and appreciate the simplicity and mindfulness inherent in everyday moments. The practice of wabi-sabi taught me to find beauty in imperfection, while the disciplined rituals of the tea ceremony and the serene landscapes of Jinja Zen gardens instilled in me a profound sense of tranquillity and introspection. Observing my family's dedication to hard work and resilience, I saw firsthand how these values are Seamlessly integrated into their daily lives, effectively fostering a deep respect for nature and personal growth. This cultural immersion reconnected me with my roots and inspired me to adopt these principles, embracing resilience and finding strength in my heritage and my journey of self-discovery.
Meeting my Japanese grandparents, Jichan and Baachan, during my trip to Japan was a transformative experience. Growing up, I had heard stories about them and their cultural heritage, but it wasn't until this trip that I truly got to know them. Spending time with Jichan, observing his calligraphy practice known as "Shodo," and listening to his insightful haiku poems opened my eyes to a new world of artistry and expression. Each stroke of his brush conveyed centuries of tradition and wisdom, and I was captivated by the beauty and depth of Japanese culture. Through these interactions, I gained a deeper understanding of my Japanese ancestry and felt a profound connection to my grandparents and their legacy. It was a journey of discovery and rediscovery that left an unforgettable mark on my heart and soul.
Journaling and reflection offer profound insights into the science behind procrastination and its underlying lessons. We engage in self-discovery and introspection by putting pen to paper or typing out our thoughts. Through journaling, we gain clarity on our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours, allowing us to identify patterns and triggers associated with procrastination. Moreover, reflection will enable us to analyze past experiences and decisions, discerning their impact on productivity and well-being. This introspective practice enables us to cultivate self-awareness, recognize limiting beliefs, and uncover deeper motivations driving our procrastination tendencies. As we delve into the science of journaling and reflection, we harness the power of introspection to learn valuable lessons from our procrastination experiences, paving the way for personal growth and positive change.
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